Transforming Children Behaviors Blog

Empowering children to discover their vision, values and strengths

Positive Parenting: Constructive Speech

Published by admin on June 5, 2009

Contrary to most thinking about managing behavior, telling a child what not to do or emphasizing a child’s mistakes, regardless of all good intention, never works. Scolding a child reminds a child of his or her faults. Consequently, more attention is given to those faults, which increases their frequency. So things tend to backfire on us.

A child’s good qualities are made weaker, and the bad qualities are strengthened. Telling a child not to do this or that only increases the desire to do such as a result of curiosity. Every mind desires to do what told not to do. Negative commands are always associated with fear, and thus the mind is easily impressed by what it is thinking about and giving most attention. When we are warned about something we either become fearful or curious or both, and end up concentrating so much upon it that instead of avoiding, we end up entering into the danger for which we were forewarned.

So when someone is doing something wrong it is a mistake to warn them about it, and also a mistake to do nothing about it. Instead we should so emphasize the positive alternative, that the person becomes so absorbed in this, that all attention is removed from the wrongful endeavor. We must frame our conversation in such a way that only the better avenue is emphasized. Old mistakes will then be forgotten, and all life and power will be devoted to building the better which has engaged his or her interest.

Our conversation must be in accord with our ideals, values and desires so as to cause the mind to advance and develop. So to help our children become ideal, we must never mention their faults, but instead emphasize their strong points of character and greater possibilities of mind. Frame your conversation so that child is inspired and recognizes the good qualities wiithin him or her. Be optimistic in your speech, and give the ideal the greatest focus and prominence at all times. Admirable qualities exist everywhere, and it will do ourselves and our children well to emphasize these at all times. As a result, it will not be long before you see children behaviors that have been totally transformed.

Peace and Love, Joseph

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Children Behaviors: Finding The Solution

Published by admin on April 21, 2009

When dealing with a challenging child, it is rather easy to get stuck on the behavior and what is not working. Even with brief episodes of peace and calm, the torrent of noncompliance and oppositional behavior quickly returns. Given such a daily routine, it will take some focus and effort to seek out solutions.

It is so important to put your attention on the present and let go of past history and what might occur next. It’s a matter of creating a whole new blueprint. And I understand that this is not easy when you are living through the ups and downs daily. But by getting organized by setting some goals, and concentrating on the strengths of yourself and your child, significant progress can be made in a relatively short period of time no matter how long you have been dealing with this.

Create a positive expectency with focus on your child’s strengths, and build an atmosphere of acceptance, non judgment, and empathy. This will create the foundation. Any change needs to come from the child. You cannot force this on him or her. So the first goal is to get your child to buy into the idea that there is a problem that needs to be addressed, and want to do something about it.

The bottom line is that your child is already succeeding in certain areas, and is quite capable of change. Your child possesses the strengths to make these changes, and it is our job to lead the way step by step. Pay attention to the times when the problem does not occur and your child is doing well. There are some clues to success here. You can ask your child when they successfully manage their emotions, “How did you do that?” The intention is to increase your child’s motivation to continue in this direction by recognizing some concrete benefits as a result of their behavior change.

Eventually your child will realize how small changes impact all areas of their life. This is so much different than trying to force change. The child will learn that they are not the problem. You can facilitate that by asking questions, and you may discover that the solution may not even be related to the external problem at all. Asking “How does anger get you to lose contro?”, “What actually do you want to happen?”, “How would you help a friend with this same problem?”, “How did you get that positive result to happen?”, “What’s going on just before the problem appears?”, “How did you develop that strength?”, “How will you know when things are better?”

Concentrate on your child’s strengths, separate your child from the problem, empathize with your child’s fear and confusion, and lead your child to a workable solution. Your child wants to do the right thing, but they do get off track. Let’s create a setting where a child is motivated to make changes, because they want to, and are motivated by the benefits. Children behaviors can be transformed in a positive way once we become solution oriented.

All thebest,

Joseph

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Positive Parenting: Remove the Resistance

Published by admin on April 9, 2009

When trying to have a child follow direction, we quite often run into a bit or alot of resistance. No matter how severe the opposition, it is possible to move through this and have a child willingly comply. It’s not so much how the child responds, but how we act and direct the scenario.

Signs of resistance can be interrupting, arguing, blaming, excusing, ignoring, withdrawing, telling stories, or even excessive agreeing and compliance where child appears to give in. Kids are really good at this stuff, so it’s important to be prepared and effective. Once a child is resistant the worst thing you can do is to get confrontational, and start giving orders or advice. Acting authoritarian will get you absolutely nowhere, and just increase the opposition.

Rather than telling the child what to do by asserting your authority, try listening to your child to determine what’s going on that’s causing the resistance. Then by asking a few open ended questions we can lead the child along to the desired outcome. An open question encourages the person to talk, and is not a yes or no closed question. For example, “Tell me about how things went today” or “What’s going on” or “In order to get this done, what would you need to do”. All these are open questions that encourage conversation. Then you can reflect back to the child what they tell you by restating it so you truly understand the meaning.

There’s so much more in developing rapport to encourage compliance with your child so that they are motivated to act willingly. But these ideas will get you started. Children behaviors will then fall in line because you are relating to your child in a collaborative fashion. So you end up decreasing the resistance, increasing motivation, and thereby effecting a positive change in your child’s behavior.

Take care, Joseph

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Positve Parenting: Lose The Guilt

Published by admin on March 31, 2009

There are many types of guilt within a family structure. In the parent-child guilt scenario a child gets a full dose of being a “bad girl” or “bad boy”. Values judgments are placed on the child instead of their actions. Right/wrong, good/bad are used the most during the child’s first five years when they are most suseptible to conditioning. It’s the old reward/punishment system.

Using guilt as a control mechanism is the favorite strategy of parents. So the child develops a behavior pattern of pleasing others to avoid feeling guilty. So you have a child that conforms to please others. Not the best scenario for future growth and achievement and a well functioning, self confident individual. And then you have the child-parent guilt program where the child uses guilt to control and manipulate his or her parents. The cycle goes on and on. Really not a pretty picture. All the child needs to do is remind the parent what she or he did or didn’t do to produce instant guilt. And guess what? The child learned all this by observing adults.

Guilt is a learned emotional response that can easily be unlearned. Since adults taught the child how to use guilt, an adult needs to reverse the process. Take the time to learn how. We can go on and on with this guilt game. For example, guilt throught love, society inspired guilt, sexual guilt, religious guilt, as well as self imposed guilt. Guilt always brings punishment in one form or the other. Learn from the past and move forward. Children behaviors can be turned around with the right effort and role modeling. Believe me it is worth the effort.

Be kind and enjoy the process, Joseph

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Positive Parenting: Teaching Your Child To Be Congruent

Published by admin on March 9, 2009

An important part of success both as a child and an adult is learning to match one’s words with how we are feeling. Many times a child is reluctant to tell us what is going on with them, and we receive a response that has absolutely nothing to do with how the child is actually feeling. This becomes a habit, and before long there is seldom a match between words and feelings. As you can imagine this is living totally out of balance.

Many child behavioral problems stem from this lack of congruency. As always the culprit is fear, and can be manifested in oppositional behaviors, temper tantrums, withdrawal, or even more severe emotional and physical challenges. When we are not congruent with our thoughts, feelings, words and actions we experience a lot of stress and resistence. Naturally this takes a toll on us.

So as always we need to check ourselves first in order to be able to assist our kids in living authentic lives. We then need to get our own house in order and role model full expression of what we are feeling, even when it is uncomfortable to do so. Then our children are encouraged to model our state, and free up much of the energy that they are wasting through this stress and resistance.

Living authentically will enable you to develop a much deeper and stronger relationship with your child, and allow your child to develop his or her true talents and abilities, while eliminating much of the energy drain from resisting life. The child will learn to be present with their feelings, and not be afraid of what is going on inside. Is this easy? No. Long time habits are hard to break. Is it worth it? Only you can answer that, once you experience it.

Live with Passion,

Joseph

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Positive Parenting: Getting Your Child’s Attention

Published by admin on March 8, 2009

Unfortunately most of us grew up with fear being the tool most frequently used to grab our attention to comply and follow directives. This works short term, but builds much resistence and resentment as well. A more effective approach is through connecting with your child at a deeper level, and developing mutual trust. Based on where the relationship is currently, this can take some effort and time to materialize. But the effort is quite worth it.

One way to connect with your child is to take an interest in their passion whatever that may be. Or helping your child discover his or her true passion may be the appropriate step to take. This is also an excellent opportunity to guide your child to developing positive and life enriching interests. Allow them to express their voice and emotions, and make suggestions along the way.

Let your child know that any worthwhile goal is possible. That there are tricks to every trade and endeavor, and that it just requires a little research and education along the way. Always encourage their efforts, and let them know that mistakes are okay; that mistakes will expand their awareness. The child then learns to discipline their disappointments, not take their failures personally, and are able to stay focused and persistent.

Child behavior management then becomes a self fulfilling prophecy where they manage their own behaviors based on a solid foundation of a core vision, workable strategies, and a relection of adult values. Praise your child often, tolerate their mistakes, while finding out what’s really going on. Love them always, and hold them after you scold them. Help your child to develop an imagination that comprises the best of humankind. And always teach them to keep focused by tying their imagination to a dream.

Live with Passion,

Joseph

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Encouraging Your Child To Dream

Published by admin on March 7, 2009

At an early age this is not an issue. Unfortunately, as a child grows, a child gets all caught up into the day to day issues that stress the practical. But a young child knows that dreaming is the most practical thing you can do. So when a child is young, it is our responsibility to nourish and reinforce a child’s dreams. Later in life, usually after the age of 6 or 7, we must reactivate this most wonderful ability.

Since we as adults have most likely lost this aspect of ourselves as well, it requires a decision and some active work on learning to dream again. We can then positively role model for our children positive expectations, and the joy of living. So many kids have been beat down from all the negativity that surrounds them, that they are desperately looking for some sanity. And giving them back their most precious gift of dreaming is a marvelous start.

Down deep inside children realize that dreaming big, and expecting the best, makes sense. But after so many years of conflicting data, usually in the form of models of insanity, they relinquish their hopes and dreams to so called “practical reality”. Let’s inspire our children’s behaviors to be the best possible by expecting only their best. Each day let’s encourage our child to live their passions, and set the framework for their current and future successes. This is a day to day process that won’t be easy, will have some detours and setbacks, but in the long run it will result in a child that is authentically happy and living on purpose. They will be living their lives in a deliberate fashion, and not by accident.

All the very best,

Joseph

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Positive Parenting: Building Family Unity

Published by admin on January 23, 2009

Trust and unconditional love are the foundation for any family to grow and flourish. As we know many things get in the way, both inside and outside the family structure. A family centered approach is necessary to serve the needs of each family member. There are ways to bring this about.

Honest discussions about what is going on with each family member on a weekly basis will go far to build strong family unity. Actually listening actively to each other, and focusing on solutions and what is working will help each person progress. We all need feedback to get a better perspective on our weaknesses and strengths, and move through any obstacles. Asking open-ended questions develops strength-based problem solving.

Looking for each other’s interests and strengths makes this a more enjoyable and productive process. For example, it you desire to encourage your child to read more, have your child read books that are of interest. Ask “What do you want to do?, listen, and stay curious. When faced with large challenges, be as non-judgemental as possible, and keep trying “until” (not if) you find what works.

When asking questions and actively listening, learn to read between the lines to discover the real needs and concerns. Also there is a big difference between wants and needs. Learn to distinguish this and focus on the real needs of the person. And always maintain a humble and respectful attitude with each other.

Building relationships in this way will develop a strong family unity over time. Each person will learn to role model positive attitudes toward each other and life in general. Focusing on what we want to accomplish will then become the habit, and the default program, rather than looking at what is wrong and getting more of what we don’t want. By being willing to take some risks and having it be okay to disagree, any and all differences can be worked out.

Learning to be supportive of each other is the key. Everyone will learn to be accountable for themselves, and much blame and complaining will be eliminated. Children will learn to take care of their responsibilities as parents do things “with them” rather than “for them”. Accept each other for who they are, and value them for that. And most of all value the small successes and celebrate them. Children behaviors will transform as the family comes together with respect and unconditional love.

All the best,

Joseph

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Children Behaviors: Trust

Published by admin on January 13, 2009

Previously I spoke about being solution oriented in order to get the best out of your children. As part of that, trust is the main ingredient. Trust will inspire and motivate, while doubt and criticism will demotivate and even possibly cause much resentment to build. The key to creating a strong family culture is trust. In fact, the true test is how you trust the child that challenges you the most.

Unconditional love tied to trust will create a very favorable family unit. By first trusting yourself as a parent to do the right thing, this will extend over to building strong relationships based on trust. The way you interact with your children builds trust Children want to make a difference and contribute. When a parent shows the child that they trust them to complete an assignment, this instills a sense of worth which builds character and integrity.

Give your child an assignment, and some ideas how to do it, and then leave it up to him or her to determine how to get the job done. You are delegating results and the responsibility to take care of it. This sets up a win-win agreement. Trust motivate, inspires, and builds responsibility. Model trust by being a positive example which your child sees. Then the relationship builds which is felt, and then you are able to teach, because at this point the child is willing to hear.

You are heard because of what was seen and felt, and not just putting out demands. Trust builds over time, and will increase. People want to be trusted. It brings out the best in them. It motivates them to be the best they can be. It brings out passion, talents, and creativity. Your child will want to do well to live up to your trust.

It’s important not to extend trust beyond the child’s current competencies and capacity to complete a given task. Start will taks that will ensure success and build from there. Relationships are the key to creating, growing, extending, and restoring trust. Any behaviors in children that violate this trust will have their natural consequences, that will make a definite impact on the child. Character and competence will strengthen over time as a result of this kind of trust.

All the very best, Joseph

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Children Behaviors: Focus on Solutions

Published by admin on January 6, 2009

As we move into this new year, let’s talk about solutions. It’s so easy to get angry and discouraged with your children, and then either want to give up or overreact in some way. Too tight a reign or being too permissive are both non productive ways to deal with your kids. Working together with your children to find solutions to whatever is going on is much more preferable.

As I’ve mentioned before, kids want to do the right thing, but they get easily distracted and negatively influenced. It’s our job to set the plan in motion and keep them on track. Get them involved in defining the problem and finding the solution. The more they are involved, the more motivated they will be to follow the rules.

By dictating the rules and feeling the need to be punitive in order to maintain control, you do yourself and your child a disservive. The child will immediately resist. Allow your child to experience the consequences of their own choices. Don’t just get angry and then give them a way out. If they don’t put something away that then gets lost or stolen, let them be responsible for replacing the item. This is when you both come together and determine what needs to happen to replace the item. You both come to a solution together, your child feels more empowered, and also learns to be more responsible.

This type of child behavior management that focuses on solutions will allow your child to experience natural consequences, and learn to be accountable for their own choices. By being consistent with this, you will actually regain control more easily, than by trying to force the issue through punitive measures.

Happy New Year, Joseph

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